Glory Ho

Andrea: What about a vegetarian eggs benedict with tomatoes and avocados? Eh? All that protein and vitamins with some buttery fat drizzled on top?

Stomach: Are you kidding?? I HATE eggs benedict! You’re gonna have to go to the bathroom before you’re even out of the restaurant!

Andrea: Okaaayyy, let’s try a turkey sandwich with mustard on whole wheat with some baby carrots, sugar snap peas and a grapefruit cup? Is that better? A little fruit, a little vegetables, a little meat? Nice and balanced?

Stomach: I’ve never liked vegetables or fruit, to be honest. I’ve only been pretending all this time. You’ve really messed up now. This afternoon of meetings is going to be filled with the need to pass gas. Have fun.

Andrea: Right. Tonight I’ll have a nice Tortilla-crusted tilapia fillet with some sauteed spinach and a little rice pilaf cooked in olive oil. God, I’m being so healthy, someone please pass me a Dorito. But maybe this will make me feel better.

Stomach: She cannot get it right. Let’s see, tonight’s line up includes some minor cramps before bed time, then some major cramps around 2:30 AM, followed by an hour of constipation.

Andrea: Okay, fine. Fuck you. If a turkey sandwich makes you angry, then why not just go for it. I’m going to Lori and Gary’s for chili tonight. There will be cheese, sour cream, tortillas, beans, the whole shebang.

Stomach: Well this attitude isn’t going to help your cause at all! Whatever, it’s your funeral.